


Thoughts

by Redlair



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Confessions, Confusion, Dorks in Love, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hidden Feelings, Hyunjae just wants to know what's up, Juyeon sucks at feelings, Light Angst, M/M, Mainly in Hyunjae's pov, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings, Strained Friendships, Strained Relationships, They're kind of stupid and childish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:27:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29192280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redlair/pseuds/Redlair
Summary: Won’t you look at me?These thoughts that linger his mind, don’t go away. Hyunjae can’t help but find himself staring, and the other that sometimes catches his gaze, looks away.
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Juyeon
Comments: 5
Kudos: 58





	Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I realized that I don't really write angst despite me liking them quite a bit lol. This isn't that angsty but here's an attempt to it with a happier end because why not. Also Hyunjae being slightly petty? He's still the bigger person in some ways. I wrote this but felt that the song: sakehands - think of me (feat. lo) , would represent the fic quite well, so if you want, feel free to check the song out too :) But also oops here's about 4k that I didn't know about.

It’s a bad habit, but Hyunjae can’t help it. The way his eyes searches for the other’s face, presence, anything really, it’s as if Hyunjae’s desperate for more, and Juyeon who used to always give, now, doesn’t.

There hadn’t been an argument. A conversation never even took place. But Hyunjae noticed the changes. The way the other would stand so stiffly around him or the younger, reacting so enthusiastically to the other members whenever something happened, but holding himself back whenever it came back to Hyunjae.

Juyeon who told the others that they were cute, complimented others to make sure they felt good and even initiated physical contact, would not pay any attention to Hyunjae.

_Won’t you look at me anymore?_

These are the thoughts that linger his mind and they don’t go away. Hyunjae can’t help but find himself staring, and the other that sometimes in the rare occasion catches his gaze, looks away.

Hyunjae wonders if this is simply one-sided, his little interest in Juyeon. In fact, it’s nothing too big, he shouldn’t let it take over his mind, but how much he considers or cares about the other, takes up a pretty large chunk of his day-to-day, and the other, never seems to realize.

It’s not that Juyeon’s oblivious, because although he was at times, it made sense that Juyeon was more comfortable with the younger members. Friends of the same age like Changmin, Chanhee and Kevin would understand those '98 problems, whereas the older members, were someone he often spoke to for words of advice. But did the other had to go so far to ignore his entire being? His existence?

It wasn’t wrong that Juyeon only came to him, Jacob, Younghoon or Sangyeon when Juyeon needed some kind of advice, comforting or grounding words to make him feel like himself again. But Hyunjae, he thinks he looks to the other for some kind of response, some support, or even more than that. He finds himself waiting to catch the other’s reactions to him doing something, and even if it wasn’t purposeful, it did seem that they were purposeful now. Doing something out of the ordinary just so that Juyeon could take a glance at him; this made him an attention seeker now, didn’t it?

He wanted to see the other’s smile, his laugh and anything if the other had anything to say to him. They all made him feel good, like a plant being watered. But more than that, if Hyunjae thinks a little too much, his head starts to throb and he knows it’s all useless, wasting his time thinking about things like this when he liked everyone in his group just the same. But just why couldn’t Juyeon spare him some love?

There were times that Hyunjae thinks too much, and even-though he knows that he’s thinking too much (and needs to stop), he can’t. He’s not only thinking about Juyeon and his relationship with the other’s, but also in himself. The expectations that he sets for himself. The criteria that he needs to meet to even meet a mere percentage of “good,” because perfection doesn’t exist and Hyunjae knows that he could only try his best in meeting his satisfactory standard. He may be being too hard on himself, but he can’t quite help it.

Some days, don’t feel quite right, and maybe, today was the day. It’s not that Hyunjae’s waken up on the wrong side of the bed because that’s not possible when his right side is aligned against the wall.

“You okay hyung? You’re looking a bit rough.”

Hyunjae nods giving Eric’s hair a soft tousle. The last thing he wants is the youngest worrying about him.

“It’s all good. Nothing to worry about.” Eric doesn’t look too sure, but doesn’t comment about it. The other sharing the same MTBI understood that he was just having one of those days. His black knit beanie that he usually wears, covering his eyes today and honestly, no, he doesn’t feel quite well and would prefer not to talk about them. The little comments that Eric usually makes doesn’t have Hyunjae feeling any bit better right now, and the pensive thoughts in his head cumulate.

Maybe it’s the stress. The knowledge he has about the many schedules that he’s going to attend, or the fact that there’s too many practice to sleep that he feels tired. He worries about the other’s wellbeing after seeing them hurt the past year and hopes that none of his group members and friends would have to become injured or ill again. But today, he thinks that his wishful thinking hasn’t done much when he sees himself in the mirror. His messy hair is in an uncontrollable condition, his face is splotchy from the lack of sleep (the thing he desires most right now), he doesn’t look that great. If he can say so, a little ugly just for today.

The category of him inside the so-called “Bermuda Triangle,” barely made sense to him right now. He looks fatigued and tired. Hyunjae looks nothing like he does in his polished state with makeup on his face nor the fancy costumes he wears on stages. His true-self reflected against the mirror makes him laugh. Oh the mere differences between how he actually was, versus his idol image.

But when he glances to the others, it seems as if he’s the only one having this bad. Younghoon the forever pretty boy, looks fine. His friend never seemed to really look bloated and even when he did, he made it look cute. But Juyeon, he _glows_. His features sharp are slightly sharper than normal, but he looks fine. There are no eye-bags, no acne, and dullness in the skin and that’s not fair. It’s ridiculous the other can live like him but look so good, without seemingly being stressed and could still ignore him like that. It's simply not fair.

Dance practice is dance practice and Hyunjae tries his best, trying to focus on the single thing of getting the moves down to avoid the many other lingering thoughts in his head. He’s thankful that he doesn’t make any wrong moves when their practice ends because Hyunjae thinks that today, he wants to call it a night. He doesn’t think he’ll have much appetite for late night snacks again, and for someone that usually liked to talk quite a bit, high tension and all, he’s strung out.

Heading back to the dorm, his observant mode turns on as he watches the others playing around, having fun. Some of the more quiet members had gone back to their own beds already for their personal space and time and although Hyunjae would usually want to join them, he doesn’t. The usual fun banter he would share with some of the younger ones wasn’t something he feels like he can do today, and Eric’s busy having fun playing a “go, go stop,” game with Haknyeon, Juyeon and Sangyeon, and Hyunjae thinks that’s cute.

But when he goes to bed, his brain does it’s little thing once more. - A relentless cycle of asking himself what he’s lacking, what Hyunjae needs to improve on, his dynamics with their other members, and even if he’s a little selfish, what kind of hyung was he to Juyeon. The other who would hug and interact more with the other members. Therefore, was all moments between him and Juyeon mainly initiated by himself? A one-sided relationship? This led to the question of them being actually “close” then.Did he simply like Juyeon a bit more or was this some kind of “platonic closeness” he felt with the other; It was always him, putting an arm around the other, somehow finding ways to get close to the other physically, which Juyeon pretty much did none of that. At least, none to him in ways that weren’t just a mere conversation.

But now, them living in separate bedrooms, in a whole new dorm, seeing the other kind of hurts. Why did the other have to come inside their living room just to play with Eric and the others? Hyunjae doesn’t know if Juyeon is purposefully avoiding him but he thinks that so far, the other hasn’t picked up on how he’s feeling a little different.

Hyunjae wonders if this change of treatment is what’s going to happen. It’s not that Juyeon treated him any different,Hyunjae thinks that he just’s needy for the other’s acceptance or attention, and it doesn’t sit well inside him.

So when morning comes, Hyunjae makes the effort to greet everyone and dials down the want (inside of him) when he sees that Juyeon had come over for breakfast. Hyunjae, not a morning person barely spares a glance at the other’s way not when he could barely focus on the milk and cereal in his bowl. Even if he wasn’t feeling too happy with Juyeon, at least there was Hershey’s chocolate crunch in his bowl, his favourite. It’s kind of a plan, trying to hold back in trying to interact with the other unless Juyeon wanted something from him. It goes decently well, Hyunjae asks Jacob to hand him atissue despite the fact that Juyeon’s closest to the box. It didn’t really matter, Jacob was sitting next to Juyeon too, so either could have handed him a tissue.

The rest of the day feels like normal, Hyunjae making jokes with Sunwoo, laughing together with Eric and being annoying every now to Kevin, Changmin and Chanhee, because the other three could be so serious at times. Hyunjae laughs when there is something to laugh and even when it comes to his routinely night snack, Juyeon’s already gone back to his dorm. Maybe that’s what it was. A business relationship, Juyeon not needing to talk to him because they weren’t that close.

In interviews, Hyunjae, was placed somewhere in the middle of the set. It’s also where Younghoon and Juyeon were too, the three of them somewhere at the centre because that’s what their company likes to do, putting the “visuals,” directly in front of the camera even though what’s really a visual, when everyone else in the group was one too.

But even so, Hyunjae tries to stay still as the other talks seriously, and he tries not to look to right left, where Juyeon is next to him. For the entire time, he looks to everyone but Juyeon, and it feels so awkward, the distance between the two of them so suddenly. Hyunjae sees Sangyeon giving him a concerned glance but Hyunjae shakes his head, they’ll talk about it later. When Sangyeon asks if there’s something going on between him and Juyeon, Hyunjae denies it. There’s no way he’s going to explain to the other that it’s Juyeon who started it first, because that just makes him seem more than just childish and petty in front of the other.

“You’re two are acting strange. Like you’re the same with everyone else, but something feels off.”

Sangyeon takes a sip of his coffee before he continues. “Whatever it is, you better solve it soon. We don’t want our group dynamics to be ruined, and knowing you, you should find an answer to whatever you’re having soon?”

It’s unfortunate that Sangyeon trusts him that much. He's really not that reliable, but Hyunjae can't think of a time where he hasn't listened to the other, or kept to his own standards or words, because on one part, Hyunjae knows that he can’t try to avoid Juyeon forever either and that maybe he’s being petty; he just doesn’t want to be the one always initiating the interactions with Juyeon. If anything, if the other stopped looking at him first and Hyunjae thinks that he just may do the same too. It frustrates him unfortunately, and although he doesn’t understand why the other the would do that to him, it’s not rational or logical for him or Juyeon to ignore each other in a group, Hyunjae thinks he may just roll with it until Juyeon comes to him first.

Hyunjae keeps it up. The group didn’t have anything important to do with performances and promotions finished already and Hyunjae’s spent his time keeping himself busy by doing all the things that he can (in not seeing the other). He’ll go out whenever Juyeon came into the dorms, he’ll play with the other members when Juyeon came over and it was just like a temporary dorm member switch/trade. Hyunjae had also planned a trip go back to Incheon (because he can, and it’s finally a Songdoz reunion). Well, it’s not much other than just hanging out with Younghoon andhis friends back home, but he thinks with time, things would get better and either Juyeon or him would want to talk to each other again.

He’s packing his bags. Hyunjae wouldn’t be going home until a week later, but packing could be done earlier than later. There really wasn’t much to bring because he would usually come back to the dorm with his bag and luggage packed of items that his mother needed him to bring back: vitamins, medication and any other items she deemed necessary (for his wellbeing). His playlist is blasting all kinds of songs from ballad, hip-hop to pop, and he doesn’t even hear the knock outside his door until his door swings open.

“Hyung?”

“Hm?”

Hyunjae looks up and he’s surprised to find Juyeon. Oh, the other was probably bored and just wanted to have a chat. Or maybe, Juyeon needed someone to give some advice, or even a partner for heading out to the convenience store because currently, barely anyone was either dorm location right now, as it was too early. It’s more strange how Hyunjae had woken up so early, it’s only 7AM and how the other even had they keys to come in, because Hyunjae doesn’t even think their manager is awake on a Saturday morning when there’s no schedules.

But really, Hyunjae waits because was this finally the time where Juyeon and him were going to confront the situation between them? The tension that made Hyunjae grow cold to the other because he didn’t understand, and he’s given the other plenty of time and opportunities for them to talk, and Juyeon had finally come over. Hyunjae zips up his suitcase waiting for the other to speak. It seems like the other doesn’t have much to say though and Hyunjae doesn’t know why the other even bothered.

“What is it?”

Hyunjae winces at his tone. That sounded colder, and snappier than he intended and he thinks it’s only because he’s fatigued. Well, fed up really, because he can’t believe the other had been holding on this long. Seeing Juyeon right now, did nothing to bring him to his usual state; because it had been _weeks_ , when _finally_ , Juyeon is suddenly coming over to him now.

“Is it okay for us to talk? If you’re not busy, I mean-“

“I’m not busy. Go on.”

Juyeon scratches his head. He doesn’t know if it is the right time to talk not when Hyunjae doesn’t seem to be in the mood at all. The other looks to him expressionless, and everyone in the dorm knows how cold and sometimes intimidating the other could be when not in the mood. In fact, Juyeon had noticed that the other didn’t seem to be much different with everyone else, but when it came to him, the other would just find an excuse to go away.

Hyunjae looks up at the other still standing awkwardly in his room. The other seems terribly conflicted and he doesn’t even know why the other suddenly seems to think so.

“Are you okay? You seem really tired lately, but also, have I done something wrong? You’ve been so distant with me lately, and I don’t even know what I could have possibly done for you to not even look my way.”

That is true, Juyeon barely gets on his bad side, and to be honest, Hyunjae can’t even think of _when_ , or _where_ the other made him mad at him. The occurrence was just about the rare occasion, or something that seems to be permanent thing now, but currently, that feeling had been so comfortable inside of Hyunjae that he doesn’t even know if he cares to talk about it anymore. All those times that he’s been curious, sad, confused, and angry at the other because of Juyeon not talking or interacting with him had been something he’s buried into his heart, and Hyunjae’s just accepted it.

But for the other, to suddenly ask for him to look out for the other? That almost sounded wrong. He's always looking out for the other, in more ways than one, and at some point, Hyunjae thinks it's tiring that he continues to do so, even when Juyeon treats him like he's not there. 

“No, there’s nothing. I don’t know, I just haven’t thought much about what to say to you? You do know I’ll always look out for you on stage, so what is it that you suddenly want from me?”

Its Hyunjae’s best answer. There simply was no way he could tell the other that he wanted Juyeon to talk to him more, to spend more time with him than with the other members, when Hyunjae has no right to say so. It made him jealous for no reason, and even if that was how he was feeling, that was such a dumb thing to say. It was also only normal for everyone to have their freedom of choice to hang out with whoever they wanted.

“You know, if there’s anything bothering you, you could tell me right?”

Juyeon doesn’t look convinced. He comes closer sitting on the floor right in front of Hyunjae and grabs for his hands. The slight difference in width and length fully covering his own. Hyunjae tries not to let himself feel the flutter inside of him when Juyeon touches him.

Hyunjae wants to nod, but this wasn’t possible when the problem really needed to see solved now, because they’ve only been holding out for too long. He’s too frustrated with how nice and easy, Juyeon is trying to keep this.

“Why were you ignoring me in the first place?”

Juyeon eyes open wide. He appears to have something to say, but nothing comes out of his mouth.

“I would understand if I did something, but now you come to me saying that I might have a problem with you, and sure I do now, because for whatever reason, you keep ignoring me, you don’t talk to me, and you just pretend I’m not there, even when I’m right in front of you. Do you hate me or something?”

Juyeon looks away. Hyunjae doesn’t know if the other’s actions confirm his point or if the other’s just ashamed at this point.

“See? You can’t even look at me in the eye. So I can only come to the conclusion that for whatever reason, you have some kind of beef with me even when I miss it when you come talk to me. I do really enjoy your company but since you’re ignoring me now, I don’t see the reason why I should heed you any attention when you don’t seem to want any from me! So am I right or am I wrong?”

Hyunjae who had been going off, finally spares Juyeon a look, and he almost feels bad at how Juyeon is cowering. Seeing the other like this pained him, but if there was anything Hyunjae had to do, he had to set this straight for himself.

“I don’t hate you. I _can’t_ hate you, hyung.”

The soft words coming out of Juyeon’s mouth don’t make sense to him at all. If the other did't hate him, then why did the other go to such lengths to pretend he wasn't there? Like a living ghost, Hyunjae's never felt more ignored in his life.

“If you don’t, then why have you-

“It’s because I like you!”

Hyunjae looks at the other in surprise. Juyeon, who doesn’t stop now, continues, “I think I’m in love with you, and I don’t know what to do! We’re a group, and it’s so cliché falling for someone in your group, but I don’t even think you like guys so what am I supposed to do? Tell you that I like you, and ruin our friendship or just try to figure some way to keep it to myself.”

The other’s face is red, embarrassed by his own confession but at the same time, Hyunjae doesn’t know what’s worse. The fact that Juyeon had been so affected by his feelings for him that he had been trying to avoid him at all costs, making Hyunjae feel so invisible around the other was because of _this_. The fact that Juyeon liked him and that he sucked at conveying and displaying his emotions. There really was no reason to hide. Hyunjae had always thought he was very open-minded and the fact that Juyeon was hindered by the thought that he wasn’t, surprises him. Hyunjae thinks he's so much better and nicer than that, he really does try to understand, and at least he gives the effort of trying first before he makes the decision to close things off. 

“Hey, if anything, I like you too.” Hyunjae reaches for the other trying to console the other who had now moved further away, scared about the potential consequences. But there were none. Hyunjae, enjoyed the other’s company, and he does think that in some ways, he understands Juyeon best.

“You don’t know what you’re saying, hyung.” Juyeon still doesn’t look at him. What was he? The other was acting like some meek anime lead now and Hyunjae thinks that the other, despite feeling conflicted, was utterly cute and ridiculous for acting this way.

“What? You’re going to take back what you just said?” Hyunjae gives a small laugh before he grabs for the other’s hand. Juyeon flinches a bit but lets himself be pulled towards the other.

“For the matter, I like you too romantically, so don’t you dare avoid me like that ever again. I felt so confused when you ignored me and found myself so guilty when I tried to do things to catch your attention, but you would just look away.”

The smile on Juyeon’s face nearly pops out of his face. It’s so wide and bright that Hyunjae knows it’s his favourite thing to see: Juyeon being happy around him. Hyunjae throws his arms around the other, pulling Juyeon in for a hug. It’s been so long he’s physically been with the other, much less a hug, and he’s forgotten how nice the other fits against him.

“You’re so stupid for thinking that I don’t like you when I literally look for you almost every time when we’re out there.” Hyunjae looks at the other. Juyeon, obviously looking at him with his full attention, made him feel at ease.

“You do?” 

“You must be really oblivious not to notice.”

They are snuggling on Hyunjae’s bed now and Hyunjae, was now curled up against the other’s neck. This was the perfect spot, why hasn't he ever tried this before? He had always rested on the other's legs, and Juyeon's chest, but this was just as comfortable.

“Too bad you’re not going to see me next week. I’m going to go home with Younghoon for a few days. I originally thought of taking a break so that I can come back and figure out things with you, but there’s this now.”

Juyeon frowns. Hyunjae was going to go away now that he’s confessed and although there wasn’t much he could do to change that with their constant changing schedule, he thinks that the other going home to gain some strength and familial comfort would be nice before they tackle more tiring schedules.

“I’ll miss you.” Juyeon naturally finds his hands holding onto the other’s slightly shorter ones. To be honest, Hyunjae had some large hands too, even if they weren’t as large as his own.

“I’ll see you in a week!” Hyunjae’s tone is playful but Juyeon knows that Hyunjae would think of him too. The other had been thinking of him constantly, therefore, this wouldn’t change now.

But for now, Hyunjae thinks that this right now, is enough. He doesn’t know what to expect, or what else might happen when he comes back from his trip, but now that he and Juyeon had spoken and cleared things up, he feels a lot better. A burden lifted off his shoulders, the uncomfortable feelings hidden inside him disappearing, he thinks having Juyeon there with him just makes him feel glad.

Hyunjae brings their enclasped hands and brings it to his lips. He doesn't miss the way Juyeon's lips curl up.

“Think of me.”


End file.
